Are They Being Rude, or Am I Reading It That Way?

#Communication #Anxiety #Tone Analysis #Relationships

Why we misinterpret tone, what psychology has to say about it, and how my own experiences helped inspire BiteDraft.

I can't tell you how many times I've read a text or email and immediately wondered if someone was upset with me. Sometimes it's a particular word, a short response, or just something about the way a message is phrased. I'll read it again, trying to figure out what they meant, and before I know it, I'm having an entire conversation in my head with someone who has absolutely no idea we're fighting.

I've lived with anxiety for most of my life, and while I've gotten better at managing it, I still have moments when it affects how I interpret things. I can read a message that someone else might consider perfectly ordinary and hear irritation, criticism, or disappointment. And when it comes from someone I care about, or someone I've had communication difficulties with before, it can genuinely hurt my feelings.

The frustrating part is that sometimes my instincts are right. I've had enough life experience to recognize when someone is being deliberately unkind, dismissive, or passive-aggressive. People can be spectacular assholes, and I've encountered plenty. I'm not interested in convincing myself that every rude message is actually a misunderstanding.

But I've also been wrong. Really wrong. I've spent time feeling hurt or upset over something someone wrote, only to find out later that they meant something completely different. And while it's a relief to realize someone wasn't being unkind, it's also a little embarrassing to discover you've spent half the afternoon preparing a defense against an accusation nobody made.

A few times, I've copied messages into AI and asked it to analyze the tone. Not because I think AI knows people better than I do, but because sometimes I want a fresh interpretation when I'm emotionally involved. I've been surprised by how often it comes up with a reasonable explanation I hadn't considered. Something I read as criticism might simply be a question. A response I thought was dismissive might actually be neutral.

That made me curious about why we interpret messages the way we do, and why our own experiences have so much influence over what we think someone means.

It also became one of the reasons we created BiteDraft.

What Anxiety Has to Do With It

I started researching the psychology of tone because I wanted to understand what was happening when my interpretation of a message turned out to be so different from what someone intended.

A 2016 study published in Computers in Human Behavior, titled RU mad @ me? Social anxiety and interpretation of ambiguous text messages, examined how young adults interpreted texts that could reasonably have more than one meaning. Researchers found that higher levels of social anxiety were associated with a greater tendency to interpret ambiguous messages negatively.

That distinction is important. The research wasn't suggesting that anxious people are incapable of recognizing someone's intentions or that their perceptions are generally wrong. It examined what happens when a message leaves room for interpretation.

I can certainly relate to that. When you're already concerned that someone might be upset with you, an unclear message can seem to confirm what you're worried about. Once you've settled on that interpretation, it can become remarkably convincing.

Psychologists call this an interpretation bias, which describes a tendency to favor certain explanations when information is ambiguous. Negative interpretation bias has been studied extensively in relation to anxiety, although it doesn't affect everyone in the same way.

I've learned that I can be perfectly reasonable about someone else's situation and still struggle to see my own with the same clarity. Apparently, being able to recognize a pattern doesn't automatically prevent you from participating in it.

Family Relationships Come With a Lot of History

I think family relationships are particularly complicated when it comes to tone because we rarely approach those conversations without bringing some history along.

When you've known someone your entire life, you remember old disagreements and recognize familiar communication patterns. You may even anticipate how a conversation will go before it begins, particularly if you've had similar disagreements in the past.

I've experienced this with a family member. We've had communication difficulties over the years, and there have been times when I've taken something they said as offensive or unnecessarily sharp. Sometimes it was. Other times, after looking at the message more objectively, I realized I might have been interpreting it through the lens of previous disagreements.

I've started using tone analysis occasionally before responding to messages that bother me. It helps me consider whether I'm reacting to what's actually being said or what I've come to expect from certain conversations.

I also sometimes analyze my own response before sending it. When we're discussing something important or disagreeing about an issue, I want to make sure my point is clear and that my wording reflects what I actually mean. I'm perfectly comfortable disagreeing with someone. I'd just prefer that the discussion stay focused on the disagreement rather than becoming an argument about an unfortunate choice of words.

Family communication can be complicated enough without accidentally introducing three additional subjects to fight about.

There's research that helps explain why our expectations matter. In a 2005 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers found that experimentally induced expectations and stereotypes influenced people's impressions more strongly during email exchanges than during voice conversations, even when the words were identical.

The study wasn't specifically about family relationships, but it demonstrated how our expectations can have a greater influence on the impression we form when we're missing information that might help us interpret someone's meaning.

I think about that whenever I notice myself reacting differently to similar messages depending on who sent them. A stranger doesn't arrive with decades of supporting documentation.

We're Much Better at Giving Advice Than Taking It

One of the more ridiculous things about human nature is how much easier it is to analyze someone else's problems.

A friend can show me a message that's upsetting her, and I can usually consider several possible interpretations. I can help her think through the situation and figure out how to respond without unnecessarily escalating things. I'm generally pretty good at softening language and finding ways to communicate difficult things thoughtfully.

Then someone sends me something that rubs me the wrong way, and apparently all that wisdom has left the building.

When we're looking at someone else's situation, we have a little emotional distance. We aren't carrying the same concerns or personal history, and that can make it easier to consider explanations that might be harder to see when we're involved.

Of course, an outsider can miss important context. Someone who doesn't know the relationship may interpret a message very differently from the person receiving it, and sometimes the recipient has perfectly good reasons for being concerned.

But there are also times when that outside perspective is useful. Sometimes I want another interpretation without having to explain the entire situation to a friend or recruit someone into a family disagreement.

Although some family disagreements could probably benefit from a mediator, a court reporter, and assigned seating.

Why People Misread Tone

Anxiety happens to be one of the biggest influences for me, but it's hardly the only reason people misunderstand written communication. The more I researched the subject, the more I realized how much our experiences and circumstances affect what we think someone means.

Stress, Exhaustion, and Emotional State

I think most of us recognize that we're not exactly at our most charitable when we're exhausted or overwhelmed. A request that might seem perfectly reasonable on a relaxing Saturday can feel considerably more demanding after a terrible day at work.

I know there are days when I'm more sensitive to things than usual. Sometimes I recognize it immediately. Other times, I realize later that I was already irritated before the message arrived.

The message may still deserve a response, but I think it's useful to recognize that the person reading it has a mood, too.

Insecurity and Fear of Rejection

When someone's opinion matters to us, their words can carry more emotional weight. If you're worried about a friendship, uncertain about a relationship, or waiting for someone to respond to something important, you may be especially alert to anything that sounds like disapproval.

This overlaps with research on social anxiety and negative interpretation bias, although insecurity, rejection sensitivity, and social anxiety aren't interchangeable concepts.

I think it's an experience many people recognize, even if they don't consider themselves particularly anxious. Sometimes we care so much about what someone thinks that we're unusually sensitive to how they express it.

And sometimes the person we're worried about is simply having a busy afternoon, completely unaware that we've mentally scheduled a relationship summit.

Different Communication Styles

Some people are naturally direct. Others are more diplomatic. Some use humor constantly, while others prefer straightforward communication and rarely joke in writing.

Someone who values efficiency might send a brief, factual response. Someone who expects a warmer style of communication might interpret that same response as unfriendly. Neither person necessarily realizes that the other is approaching the conversation with different expectations.

Sarcasm is especially tricky because it often depends on delivery and shared understanding. I've spent years writing humor, and I know how much timing and context matter. Something that sounds hilarious in my head can land very differently when someone else reads it.

Sometimes the joke doesn't translate. Sometimes the audience misses the intended meaning. And sometimes they understand it perfectly and simply don't think I'm funny, which is obviously a serious character flaw on their part.

Cultural and Language Differences

What people consider polite, respectful, friendly, or appropriately direct can vary across cultures. The language used to make a request, express disagreement, or show respect may be interpreted differently depending on someone's background and expectations.

Language proficiency can also affect how someone comes across. A person communicating in a language they don't know particularly well may understand exactly what they want to express but be unfamiliar with the conventions used to soften requests or convey warmth.

This is particularly relevant in professional communication, where people may be interacting with colleagues or clients from very different backgrounds.

Even when we're all trying to be polite, we can't agree on what polite sounds like. Which seems like a fairly significant design flaw in human communication.

Neurodivergence and Communication Differences

Neurodivergence is another important part of this discussion, although people's experiences vary enormously.

Autistic people, for example, may experience differences in how they interpret or express social information. But it would be inaccurate to assume that communication misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people are automatically caused by the autistic person.

There's a concept in autism research called the double empathy problem, which examines how people with different ways of experiencing and communicating may have difficulty understanding one another.

I appreciate that perspective because misunderstandings aren't always about one person failing to understand the other. Sometimes two people are simply approaching the same conversation differently.

ADHD can also affect aspects of communication for some individuals, including attention and impulsivity, although it would be misleading to suggest that everyone with ADHD has difficulty interpreting tone.

An unfamiliar communication style can easily be mistaken for an attitude or intention that wasn't there.

Workplace Relationships and Power Dynamics

Professional communication adds another layer because the consequences of misunderstanding someone can be more significant.

An email from a coworker you get along with might seem completely ordinary. Similar wording from a supervisor you've had difficulties with could feel threatening, particularly if previous interactions have given you reason to be concerned.

A study published online in 2020 and appearing in Management Communication Quarterly in 2021 examined employees' interpretations of workplace emails they perceived negatively. Researchers found that recipients rated those emails more negatively than outside observers did, and that message wording alone had relatively weak relationships with recipients' negative evaluations.

That doesn't mean the outside observers were necessarily correct. An employee may know things about their workplace or supervisor that an outsider doesn't.

But it does illustrate how the relationship surrounding a message can influence the way it's received.

Missing Context and Nonverbal Cues

Written messages don't usually give us access to someone's facial expressions, vocal inflection, or immediate circumstances. We may not know whether they're joking, distracted, frustrated, or simply trying to finish something before their next meeting.

A 2005 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology examined how effectively people communicated tone through email. Across five experiments, researchers found that people tended to overestimate how successfully their intended tone would be understood.

One explanation involved the difficulty of separating what we know about our own intentions from what the other person can actually understand.

That makes perfect sense to me. When I write something, I know how I mean it. I can practically hear myself saying the words.

Unfortunately, the person receiving the message doesn't have access to the voice in my head, which, depending on the day, may actually be a blessing.

Sometimes We're the Ones Sending the Wrong Tone

I've spent a lot of time talking about how I interpret other people's messages, but there's another side to this that I think is equally important.

My husband uses tone analysis for a different reason. Sometimes he wants to make a point but isn't sure how his wording will come across. He wants to communicate clearly without unintentionally sounding insulting or unnecessarily harsh.

I understand that because you can have a perfectly valid argument and still express it in a way that makes someone defensive. Once that happens, the conversation can become more about the delivery than the original issue.

I've seen discussions deteriorate because someone became so focused on how something was said that the actual point was almost forgotten. And I've certainly encountered people who seem considerably more interested in winning an argument than understanding what the other person is saying.

I think there's real value in being able to examine how your own words might come across before sending them, particularly when you're discussing something important or emotionally charged.

That doesn't mean every message needs to be softened. Sometimes directness is entirely appropriate, and sometimes a firm response is exactly what's called for.

Which brings me to something else I've learned about communication.

The Fine Line Between De-escalating and People-Pleasing

I tend to think carefully about how I approach difficult subjects, especially when I know emotions are running high. Finding a way to keep a conversation productive without unnecessarily upsetting someone is something I've always valued.

But I've also learned that there's a fine line between de-escalating a situation and people-pleasing, and I haven't always been great at recognizing where that line is.

There have been times when I've been so concerned about how someone might react that I've started compromising what I actually wanted to say. I'll soften something, reconsider the wording, and eventually realize I've made a perfectly reasonable point sound like I'm asking permission to have an opinion.

I think diplomacy is valuable, and I genuinely appreciate people who can disagree without being unnecessarily cruel. But being considerate doesn't mean taking responsibility for everyone else's emotional reactions.

Sometimes I need to make a firm point or establish a boundary, and someone else may not particularly like it. That's uncomfortable, but it doesn't automatically mean I've communicated badly.

Sometimes analyzing my own tone helps me recognize that I've been unnecessarily harsh. Other times, it helps me see that I've softened something so much that my actual point has practically disappeared.

I'm still figuring out that balance. I'd like to be thoughtful without becoming so accommodating that I lose my own voice in the process.

And sometimes, after carefully considering how to phrase something, I decide that what I've written is perfectly fine. I don't think we should have to conduct a full diplomatic review every time we disagree with someone.

How This Became Part of BiteDraft

My experiences with anxiety and interpreting tone were a significant part of why we created BiteDraft.

I wanted a way to examine how a message might come across, whether it was something I'd received or something I was about to send. Not to have a machine tell me what someone was thinking, but to help me look at a situation from a different angle.

That's why BiteDraft includes a Tone Analyzer. You can use it to examine a message someone sent you or something you've written yourself. It helps you consider how the language might come across and identify possible tones or interpretations.

Maybe you're unsure whether someone sounds irritated or simply direct. Maybe you're preparing a difficult email and want to make sure your point is clear. Or maybe you're communicating with someone you've had problems with before and would appreciate a more objective look at the wording before responding.

BiteDraft also lets you rewrite messages using more than 100 tones and personalities. You can make something warmer, firmer, more diplomatic, or more professional. You can also have some fun with it, which is a pretty important part of the app.

Personally, I enjoy seeing what a completely unhinged version of my response would look like, even when I have absolutely no intention of sending it. There's something satisfying about letting a fictional character say everything you would never dream of putting in writing.

Although I suppose that depends on the day.

That said, I have pretty good instincts about people, and decades of life experience to draw from. AI doesn't know everything I know about someone, and it certainly doesn't know the history of every relationship in my life. Sometimes it catches something I've overlooked, and sometimes it misses something that's obvious to me. I appreciate another perspective, but I don't automatically assume it's the right one. I've been around long enough to know that people are complicated, and no technology is going to figure them all out for me.

There's actually some recent research that speaks to this. A 2026 study published in the Journal of Pragmatics compared ChatGPT's evaluations of student emails with evaluations made by university lecturers. While many of the AI's judgments were similar to those of the lecturers, it showed a stronger preference for formal, conventional wording and less flexibility around context-dependent communication.

The study examined a particular kind of academic email, so its findings can't tell us how well AI understands every type of personal conversation. But it's a useful reminder that even when AI produces a reasonable interpretation, it may favor certain communication conventions over others.

Sometimes I agree with an analysis, sometimes I don't, and sometimes I decide that the situation calls for an actual conversation rather than another written response.

I appreciate having the option to look at something differently before making that decision.

Still Figuring It Out

I wish I could say that understanding the psychology behind all of this means I never misinterpret anyone anymore, but unfortunately, anxiety doesn't disappear because you've read a few research papers.

I still overthink things occasionally, and there are times when someone's words genuinely hurt my feelings. I've also learned that being good at helping other people navigate difficult conversations doesn't automatically make me equally good at handling my own. We're often much better at giving advice than taking it.

I don't expect to reach some magical point where I understand every message perfectly, and I certainly don't expect anyone else to. I'm in my fifties, and my brain has had plenty of time to develop some very stubborn habits.

But I've become more interested in questioning my first interpretation when something doesn't sit right with me. Sometimes that means discovering I've misunderstood someone. Sometimes it means finding a clearer way to express myself. And sometimes it confirms that the message was every bit as obnoxious as I originally thought.

In which case, at least I can make sure my response is beautifully worded.

---

BiteDraft is coming soon. Analyze how messages come across, rewrite what you want to say, and explore 100+ tones and personalities, from thoughtful and diplomatic to completely ridiculous. Visit BiteDraft.com to learn more and sign up to be notified when it launches.