#what to say #supporting a friend #grief #texting

What to Text Someone Who's Going Through a Hard Time

Someone you love is having a terrible time, and you're staring at a blank text box. You've typed "Sending love and light" and deleted it four times because it sounds like a sympathy card from a dentist's office. You've written a long paragraph and deleted that too, because when you read it back, it was mostly about you.

The good news is that they aren't grading your text. Most people going through something hard won't remember the exact words anyone used. They remember who reached out, and who kept reaching out.

Start short

Short and true is plenty.

"I heard what happened. I don't know what to say, but I love you and I'm here."

"No need to answer this. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today."

"This is awful, and I'm so sorry."

The middle one does a lot of work. "No need to answer" takes the pressure off someone who already has 40 unread texts and can't face any of them.

If you're not that close, keep it even simpler. A coworker you've had lunch with twice doesn't need a paragraph. Something like "So sorry to hear about your dad. Thinking of you." is enough.

Skip "Let me know if you need anything"

Everyone says it, and everyone means it. The problem is that it hands them a job. Now they have to figure out what they need, decide whether it's too much to ask, and then actually ask you, which almost nobody does.

What they're thinking when they read it: I need you to guess, Pam.

Offer something specific instead:

"I'm dropping off dinner Thursday. I'll leave it on the porch. You don't have to see anyone."

"I'm going to Target tomorrow. Send me a list."

"Can I take the kids Saturday afternoon?"

"Want me to walk the dog this week?"

A yes-or-no question is a gift. They can answer it from bed.

What to leave out

Most of the wrong things people say are attempts to make the bad thing smaller. It's a natural instinct. It's also the fastest way to make someone feel unheard. And trust me, they're thinking something back.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Name one, Brenda.

"At least it was quick."

You're right, Linda. I'll focus on the bright side as soon as I can get off the kitchen floor.

"I know exactly how you feel. When my aunt..."

Gary, I didn't ask. And yet, here we are.

"Have you tried reading The Power of Now?"

Cheryl, I can't read a menu right now.

"Stay positive! 🙏🙏🙏"

Steve sent three prayer hands. I'm healed.

Comfort in, dump out

Psychologist Susan Silk came up with a simple rule for this, which she and Barry Goldman wrote about in the Los Angeles Times in 2013. Picture the person who's struggling at the center of a circle. Their closest people are in the next ring, then friends, then everyone else.

Comfort goes in, toward the center. Complaints go out, away from it.

So if your best friend's mom is sick and you're upset about it, that's real. Vent to your spouse or another friend, not to your best friend. She has enough on her plate without taking care of your feelings too.

Keep showing up

The texts pour in for the first week. Then everyone goes back to their lives, and the person who's struggling is still struggling, now with a much quieter phone.

That's when your text matters most. Check in again in two weeks. Then in a month. Put the hard dates in your calendar: the birthday, the anniversary, the first holiday without them. A text that says "Thinking of you and your mom today" on a day nobody else remembered can mean more than anything you said at the start.

If you're worried about someone because they've stopped functioning or have said anything about not wanting to be here, don't just text. Call them, show up, and help them get real support. In the US, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, for them or for advice on how to help.

If you're still stuck on the wording

If you've been rewriting the same two sentences for 20 minutes, that's normal. It usually means you care about getting it right. BiteDraft can help you find wording that sounds warm and sounds like you, instead of like something printed inside a card.

Then send it. An imperfect text that arrives beats a perfect one sitting in your drafts.