I Hate the Grammar Police. Unless You’re Being an Asshole.

I hate the grammar police.

Unless you’re being an asshole.

Then suddenly I’m the fucking copy editor.

I realize there is some moral inconsistency here. I’m comfortable with it.

If I see someone write “your welcome,” I keep moving. I understood them. You understood them. The transaction has been completed.

I do not feel compelled to swoop into the comments with:

*you’re

Thank God I arrived.

Imagine if that had been allowed to remain on Facebook for another 30 seconds. Children could have seen it.

Not Everyone Knows the Same Things You Know

This is the part of grammar policing that genuinely bothers me. Not everyone had the same education. Some people left school early. Some people grew up somewhere English wasn’t their first language. Some people struggle with reading and writing. Some people were never properly taught certain rules.

And some people just don’t fucking know.

That’s allowed.

There are thousands of things I don’t know. I cannot fix a transmission. I have no idea what half the buttons in a car actually do. If you dropped me at a lumberyard and told me to buy whatever is necessary to build stairs, I would eventually die there.

I also don't completely understand life insurance.

We all have gaps.

The difference is that most people don’t follow me around waiting for me to incorrectly identify a piece of lumber so they can type:

“OMG. How do grown adults not know this?”

Because that would be weird.

Knowing Grammar Is Not an IQ Test

There’s this weird thing that happens online where people see a spelling or grammar mistake and immediately decide they have received important information about the writer’s intelligence.

You haven’t.

Research has actually looked at this. Spelling errors can affect how readers perceive a writer, particularly when there are a lot of them, but the effect is stronger on judgments of writing ability than on judgments of general intelligence or logical ability.

Which makes sense.

Being bad at spelling tells me you might be bad at spelling.

Huge if true.

My brother was a terrible speller growing up. He became a lawyer.

I won a spelling bee and I’m an idiot.

I rest my case.

Being able to spell does not tell me whether you can run a business, raise a family, understand physics, rebuild an engine, write music, perform surgery, grow tomatoes, install a toilet or successfully fold a fitted sheet.

Actually, if you can fold a fitted sheet, you are intellectually superior to me and I accept that.

And Sometimes It Isn’t Even “Wrong”

Language is messy. Dialects exist. Slang exists. Regional speech exists. Cultural differences exist. People write differently depending on where they’re from, who they’re talking to and what kind of communication they grew up around.

Researchers who study language and literacy have written about grammar policing as a form of language shaming and about the privilege involved in treating one particular version of “correct” language as evidence that someone is educated or intelligent.

Which is a very academic way of saying:

Maybe don’t be a dick about apostrophes.

There are situations where grammar matters enormously. Academic papers. Legal documents. Published writing. Professional communication. Anything involving instructions where a mistake could genuinely change the meaning.

But your cousin writing “We was so tired” under a picture from Disneyland is probably not where civilization collapses.

You knew what she meant.

Let her post the fucking picture.

If You’re Actually Trying to Help Someone, Help Them

There’s also a massive difference between helping someone and embarrassing them.

If I publish something on the BiteDraft website and there’s a typo, tell me. Please. I would much rather know so I can fix it.

If your friend is about to send out 500 wedding invitations with “Your Invited” across the top, maybe quietly intervene.

That is helping.

Publicly commenting “OMG, how do adults still not know the difference between your and you’re?” under someone’s post is not helping.

You didn’t correct their grammar.

You performed your grammar knowledge for an audience.

Congratulations on knowing a contraction.

HOWEVER.

If you come into my comments being an asshole, the previous 700 words are temporarily suspended.

I have absolutely responded to some asshole online with:

*you’re

And I stand by it.

If you write:

“Your a fucking idiot.”

You have handed me a loaded weapon.

I didn’t make the rules.

Actually, I did just make this rule.

There Should Be a Bully Exception

If someone is minding their own business and writes:

“I seen that movie yesterday.”

Leave them the fuck alone.

They saw the movie. You understood that they saw the movie. Nobody appointed you Regional Director of Verbs.

But if someone writes:

“Your so stupid maybe you should of stayed in school.”

Welcome to my classroom.

Today we’ll be covering contractions, homophones and irony.

Please take your seat.

The Meaner the Insult, the Funnier the Correction

This is important.

If someone writes:

“You’re ugly.”

Grammatically sound.

Carry on, asshole.

But:

“Your ugly.”

C-.

See me after class.

There is something uniquely satisfying about someone attempting to establish intellectual superiority while being defeated by the exact grammar rule they were apparently too busy insulting you to remember.

I’m not proud of how much I enjoy this.

I'm also not going to pretend I don't.

Grammar Police Should Require Probable Cause

I think we need rules.

Someone makes a typo under a picture of their dog?

Proceed.

Someone uses the wrong “there” while wishing their grandmother a happy birthday?

Proceed.

Someone puts a random apostrophe in a Facebook Marketplace listing?

I don’t care. How much is the dresser?

But if someone is bullying another person, lecturing strangers about their intelligence or telling someone they should be embarrassed because they don’t know a grammar rule?

License and registration, please.

Now I’m checking everything.

Suddenly I want to know about your comma usage.

Because Communication Is Supposed to Be About Communicating

Grammar matters. Spelling matters. Words matter. I’m a writer. Obviously I care about language.

But language is a tool. The point is to communicate.

If someone successfully communicates an idea to you and your first instinct is to publicly humiliate them because they used the wrong version of “your,” I’m not convinced you demonstrated superior communication skills.

You just demonstrated that you know something they don't.

We all know things other people don't.

That isn't a personality.

So write your post. Send your text. Live your life.

I am not coming for you.

Unless you're being an asshole.

Then spellcheck that shit before you hit send.

Because I am suddenly available for tutoring.

BiteDraft Can’t Stop You From Correcting Someone’s Grammar

It can, however, give you 100+ ways to do it.

Professional. Kind. Witty. Sarcastic. Petty. Take the High Road.

Or, when circumstances require it, Savage.

Choose wisely.

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