#Kids #Parenting Humor #Funny Things Kids Say #Communication #Humor #Family #BiteDraft

Kids Give Compliments That Require a Recovery Period

There is nothing sweeter than a compliment from a child. There is also nothing more dangerous.

Adults have learned how compliments work. You say, “You look beautiful,” and then you stop talking.

A child will give you, “You look beautiful today. Yesterday you looked really tired.”

Thank you, sweetheart. What a lovely surprise ending.

Children have the extraordinary ability to say something genuinely kind while also identifying an insecurity you hadn't been thinking about until that exact moment. And the worst part is they mean it. They're not being sarcastic or trying to hurt you. They looked at you with their beautiful little innocent face and thought: She needs to know about her neck.

They Always Add One More Sentence

This is where things go wrong.

“I like your dress.”

Thank you!

“It looks like my grandma's curtains.”

There it is. You had it, Olivia. The compliment was complete. There was absolutely no reason to continue.

Kids have not yet learned one of adulthood's most important communication skills: stop talking while you're ahead.

“You're really pretty.”

Thank you.

“Even with that thing on your face.”

WHAT THING.

We were having such a nice time.

“For Your Age” Should Require a Permit

At some point children discover age, which is unfortunate for everyone around them.

“You run really fast for your age.”

I'm 43, Tyler, not a Civil War veteran.

Or they'll tell you, “You look young for your age,” which sounds wonderful until you make the catastrophic mistake of asking how old they think you are.

“Like 70?”

Great. Fantastic conversation.

Children have absolutely no concept of what adults consider old. To a six-year-old, 27 and 84 are essentially the same demographic. Both have driver's licenses. Both know cursive. Both are probably going to die soon.

Never Ask a Child How Old They Think You Are

Honestly, this one is your fault. You did this. You knew the risks.

“How old do you think I am?”

A child will look directly at your face and study it. They may even move closer, which is when you should realize this is already going badly.

“Fifty-eight?”

You're 36.

Now you have to smile because apparently screaming “WHAT THE FUCK, ETHAN?” at a second grader is frowned upon.

Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to have answered by someone with no understanding of skincare.

Children Notice Everything

Adults will see that you got a haircut and say, “Your hair looks great!” A child will say, “Why did you cut your hair like that?”

Not bad. Not good. Just an investigation.

And children notice things adults have silently agreed not to notice. You can have an entire family gathering where 14 adults successfully avoid mentioning Great-Aunt Linda's mustache.

Then a five-year-old walks in.

“Why does Aunt Linda have a mustache?”

Jesus Christ.

We made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas and a christening, and you blew the whole operation before appetizers.

Now every adult in the room is suddenly fascinated by their drink while Linda explains that sometimes ladies grow hair on their faces. This should satisfy the child.

It does not.

“But why is hers so dark?”

SOMEONE GET THIS KID A COOKIE.

Kids Are Also Snitches

Children do not understand that some information was provided off the record. There is no phrase more terrifying at a family gathering than a small child walking up to someone and saying:

“My mom said you…”

NO.

Whatever comes after that sentence is going to ruin somebody's afternoon.

“My mom said you never bring anything.”

“My dad said Uncle Mike talks too much.”

“My mom said we weren't staying long.”

And, of course, the nuclear option:

“My mom said not to tell you.”

Well, we can stop there, because that ship has fucking sailed.

Meanwhile, the parent is across the room making frantic eye contact like they can somehow telepathically reverse the last nine seconds. They cannot.

A child has no loyalty to the source. No journalistic ethics. No concept of privileged communication.

You said it in the car. They heard it.

And now it belongs to the people.

Food Is Another Extremely Dangerous Area

You cooked dinner. A child takes one bite and says, “This is actually good.”

Actually?

What information were you working with before the bite?

“I thought it was going to be disgusting.”

Wonderful. I'm so glad I exceeded expectations.

Or you get the devastating, “This is almost as good as Mom's.”

Almost.

I spent two hours making this. Your mother microwaves nuggets.

Respectfully, get out of my kitchen.

Gifts Are a Minefield

Research on children's social development has actually studied what happens when kids receive gifts they don't like. Children gradually learn what researchers call prosocial or politeness lies. In other words, they begin figuring out that sometimes protecting someone's feelings is more socially useful than giving a completely accurate product review.

This is an important developmental milestone. It is also apparently not available immediately.

You give a small child a sweater. They open it, their entire face collapses, and they say, “It's clothes.”

Correct.

“I don't want clothes.”

Also correct.

“Do you have another present?”

Customer feedback has been received.

They Will Also Review Your House

Adults come over and say, “Your house is beautiful.” Kids conduct an inspection.

“Why is your TV so small?”

Excellent.

“Is this your whole backyard?”

It was until five seconds ago. Now apparently it's a patio with delusions of grandeur.

“Why don't you have a pool?”

Because of several financial decisions you are not qualified to discuss, Mason.

And then there's, “Your house smells different.”

Every house smells different.

Please stop announcing mine.

Your Car Is Not Safe Either

Children are surprisingly opinionated about cars for people who contribute nothing toward the payment.

“Is this car old?”

No.

“Why does it make that sound?”

What sound?

“That sound.”

Now I'm worried.

Then comes the comparison you didn't request: “Mom's car has a screen.”

Wonderful. Would you like to walk home with Mom?

They Are Excellent at Career Counseling

Tell a child you're a writer and there's a decent chance they'll reduce your entire career to its most basic mechanical function.

“So you just type?”

Well. Technically.

“I can type.”

Great. I've been replaced by a seven-year-old.

Tell them you build apps and you may get an even more existential response.

“Why?”

Honestly? Some days I don't know, buddy. Thank you for asking the question investors haven't.

Relationship Questions Have No Warm-Up

Children don't ease into personal subjects. They don't begin with “So, how have things been?” and wait for you to volunteer information.

They go directly to:

“Do you have a husband?”

Yes.

“Why?”

Strong follow-up.

Or:

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

No.

“Why not?”

I don't know, Sophie. Maybe because every romantic prospect I've ever had lacked your commitment to investigative journalism.

Adults will spend years politely avoiding a subject. A child will get there before the bread arrives.

The Compliments Are Still Somehow Wonderful

Here's the annoying part. When a kid tells you, “You're the funniest grown-up I know,” you believe them. When they tell you, “Your house is my favorite house,” you're done. When they draw a picture of you with enormous purple hair, four fingers and breasts located somewhere near your knees, you put it on the refrigerator.

Because kids haven't completely learned how to perform compliments yet. They're still figuring out that honesty and kindness occasionally have to negotiate with each other.

So when a kid says something nice to you, there's a good chance they really mean it.

Even if they absolutely destroy you in the second half.

“You're really pretty.”

Thank you.

“I like your squishy arms.”

And we're done here.

BiteDraft Could Never Compete With This

We have Funny, Witty, Sarcastic, Savage, Self-Deprecating and Roast Me.

But we do not currently have Seven-Year-Old Who Has Just Noticed Your Forehead.

Frankly, I'm not sure society is ready.

Kids already possess a communication style no app could safely reproduce: complete sincerity, no editing, unexpected follow-up, devastating specificity and absolutely no idea why everyone at the table is laughing.

Honestly?

Perfect delivery.

Adults usually require slightly more editing. For that, there's BiteDraft.

Rewrite it, reply to it, check the tone, or see what happens when you let one of 100+ tones and personalities take over.

BiteDraft is coming soon. Visit BiteDraft.com for launch updates.